Mean Girl Nonsense

The sun is glorious today and tempting me to imagine spring might come early. I snuck out of my little farmhouse office early because I simply could not focus. I have a list of so many things I want to work through and I could not get my mind to line up with the tasks at hand. “Stupid, stupid stupid!” with a disapproving tone, is all I could hear. Well, I’m a smart and strong momma and I wasn’t going to put up with any of that nonsense. I laced up my trustworthy walking shoes, started the app on my watch and took off stepping at a very fast pace. When it is 37 degrees outside, even if it “looks” like spring, you have to move fast to keep warm!

I have way more internal dialogue with myself than I would care to admit. It seems like these walks give me permission to really hash it all out without the distractions of my papers right in front of me. At first I just felt defeated. Who am I and how do I even think it is possible to accomplish all I want to do? So many roadblocks, so much baggage, so many self doubts.

I started to run. If you know me well, this was surprising, even for me! I couldn’t let that little voice manipulate and discourage me. I began muttering out loud all I am thankful for. I started fixing my eyes on what I know to be true. I reminded myself I am not alone. I have beautiful friends around me who encourage and help me in so many ways. Sometimes I hear a different still small voice in my heart which whispers love and gentle kindness back to my weary griping soul. When I am outside and alone, it’s easier to hear that voice.

Here is the truth. Sometimes it is really hard to focus. Oftentimes we doubt ourselves and who we are destined to become. What if who we are is enough and all God asks of us? I wonder what would happen if we just trusted him in all of our inadequacies and continued to step one moment at a time? Take the class, write the words, show up for the meeting, make the inquiry, and do all of the things within our power.

I’m back at my desk and I’m taking inventory of my thoughts. Mean girl is back in check and I’m ready to go again. I have reminded myself I am the one who works hard, who thinks smart and loves well. I have written 50,000 words for my book and we are ready for the next step. This is just the beginning of a new learning curve and I won’t give up.