From Sleepless to Sweet Peace, His Peace

It’s getting harder and harder to sleep at night.  So many thoughts fill my mind.  It’s like I am in super alert mode, the overdrive has been shifted into gear and the anticipation of being in God’s presence and walking with him in Ethiopia is enough to make my eyes stay wide open.  12 days.

I am aware of the tug-o-war.  The moments of celebration and the needs to overcome.  Thankfulness floods me.  The blessings that overflow from our friends are like standing under a waterfall and trying to contain it.  Adorable pillow case dresses from Maggie today, it’s like I can almost hear the excited chatter of the little girls.  Reviewing songs that Michael Schmidt has edited and put together so that Suzanne and Rachel Coggins can finish prepping our tech pads with the message of hope, music and an opportunity for higher learning.  The FB auction to help pay for travel expenses  for Misty and the words of encouragement at church like from Holly Schweitz and Beth Yancey who say they can hardly wait to follow the journey in just a couple of weeks.  Shana is working hard to push out end of the year receipts and Karla celebrated  with me  today over the GoalZero catalog and our first published picture.  Renee is prepping her camera and David and Jenny give me a two thumbs up when we talk about ideas of how to share the story when I get back.

And then discouragement can creep in the door…what if our driver doesn’t come?  What if the fleas are as bad as last time?  What if we can’t get our treasures through customs?  What if the internet doesn’t work or I lose my phone?  Will our friends be proud?  Will they think we worked hard enough, did enough and shared enough of the story?  What about me?  I am filled with imperfections.  I am human.  Who am I to think I can make a difference?  Sleep escapes me.

I pray.  I talk to myself.  I remember that it never has been about me and that we will do our best, we have prepared and now it is all in His hands.  It will be what it will be and He says I am enough.  To come as I am, with all my imperfections.

As I begin to overcome, at least for the moment, the inadequacies of my leadership, my thoughts shift to my children.  My precious babies of my flesh.  I am asking them to share me.  Will they resent me?  Will they love who I love and sacrifice with me?  I am aware of Valentine’s Day just around the corner, and one of my favorites to share notes and words of love with my kiddos.  This year’s celebration we will be on different continents, just like last year.  And what about their questions?  Their needs?

I take up that prayer again and have a meeting with myself to remember the truth.  Even for the sparrow, He knows when it falls, God knows my children.  He has provided in so many ways and brought miracles into their own stories over the years.  I reflect for a moment and take in the good God who loves so much and has held my children and provided for their needs even when I couldn’t.  I remember Harrison and his tiny little body when his permanent front tooth came tumbling across the gym floor and with a severed root that had no hope…except that we stuffed it back up into his head and God grew the root back.  Or when Kaytlynn was an infant with hip dysplasia and was told she wouldn’t be able to walk well or ever run.  And one week when we went back for more x-rays, the hip was miraculously perfect.  No more treatment, nothing.  Just perfect.  What about the miracle of them even being born in the first place and being blessed with their lives touching mine.

Surely I couldn’t doubt any longer.  Too much evidence points toward His handy work and my tagging along as part of my own journey rather than him needing me.  Okay, maybe my obedience, he wants it, he uses it to grow me for my own benefit, but truly he is already working and has been in my family, with my children and in our village before I ever came on the scene.  Here it comes.  But what will others think?  Loyalty and authentic friendships are my soft spot.  One more angle, that stupid voice is taking a cheap shot.  I thought I was over all of that.  I went through that season already years ago of others looking in and judging, living in a glass house where perceptions and lies told by others were so painful and untrue that it took my breath away.  Betrayal.  Wounds that were deep.  Why am i wincing?  What I am worried about?  God is my defender, he goes before me and behind me, he is to my left and to my right.  He has restored all of what the locusts have eaten and stolen.  It isn’t about them.  It isn’t about me.  It’s about what God is and has been doing and how much He loves me enough to give me the desires of my heart when they align with His will for me.

I guess it could be a little like standing in the boxing ring after a few good punches to the head, not like I really have any idea what that might be like, and the coach grabs your face between his hands and makes some eye contact and says…”Snap out of it, you have got this kid, you are way better than this!”  Sometimes I just want out of the ring.  I don’t like to fight this fight sometimes, not with myself, not with others, not with the enemy who is roaring like a lion ready to devour me…

“You’ve got this…”, He says to me…”but not tonight.  Sweet daughter, get some rest.”  So while tomorrow might bring more rounds, more self doubts, for tonight I feel sleep and his peace coming over me and I am ready.  Ready to rest in his strength, his covering and knowing that each day has enough trouble of it’s own and tomorrow he will guide be each step.  A few tears trickle down my cheek, maybe it’s relief, maybe the vulnerability and reading back over my own weakness embarrasses me a bit or maybe it is just the Love of a my heavenly father tucking me in for a goodnight sleep and peace.

Sweet peace.  His peace.